My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
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Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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