I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
