I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
