New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
