Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
