Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
