so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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