They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
