i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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