i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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