I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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