Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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