I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
