Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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