So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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