Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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