meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
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