Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
