So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
