Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
