Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
