if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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