So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
