i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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