Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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