Where is the hickey?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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