I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
