my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
