You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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