i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
