sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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