Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
