and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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