garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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