Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
