I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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