my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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