My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
