yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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