the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
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he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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