I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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