Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
