She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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