i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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