I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
