Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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