I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.