someone threw a dead crab at me
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
