There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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