Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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