life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
