Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Mom said you looked used
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
