remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I need moral support for this bender
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
