I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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