we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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