the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
