After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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