Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
