I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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