Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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