I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
PANTIES FOUND
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