Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
