Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
